Today is November 3rd the year anniversary of my mother’s death.
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. Watching my mother die was a life changing experience.
She had been diagnosed with 4th stage cancer and had a possible year to live with chemotherapy and a month without. She tried one round and told me she could not do it again.
According to The World Health Organization Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide, accounting for nearly 10 million deaths in 2020.
My mother and I did not have a very close relationship, but she was my mother. She gave me life and for that I thank her. I do miss certain things about her.
I struggle with guilt, did I do enough for her? Did I spend enough time with her? What more could I have done when she was dying?
Death is a very interesting thing. We do not talk much about it, yet it is something that happens every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
Watching my mom die was hard at times and yet I knew that she was in so much pain she needed to find peace.
My mom did not have a lot of peace within herself in life. There was so much she wanted to do and did not get to. One of the things she wanted to do was go to Italy. We are Italian and she wanted to visit the place where my grandparents were born.
One of my favorite singers is Andrea Bocelli and he has a song titled “Time To Say Goodbye”.
Time to say goodbye
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you
Now, yes, I shall see them
I’ll go with you
Go on ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, don’t exist anymore
It’s time to say goodbye.
He sings in it both Italian and English. It reminds me of my mom and a song I dedicate to her. I wish I had taken her to Italy.
Somedays I miss her and some days go by and I do not think of her. I feel the guilt at times, sometime very deeply.
I am taking this grief one day at a time and working through it with my therapist, continuing yoga and meditation and sometimes just having a really good cry.
We must take our time with grief and be good to ourselves.
Some of my favorite books on grief are “Its Okay That You Are not Okay” by Megan Devine and “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief “ by Martha W. Hickman.
The holidays are fast approaching and I will miss my mom but I will make it through. I am learning it is okay to be sad, angry, happy and to take it all one day at a time.