Anxiety is a journey with its ups and downs. Days of contentment and joy, then days of darkness and depression.
Depression so deep that the day passes by without my knowledge. Day turns into night and then it is a new day.
I had and still have days of feeling crushed under the weight of it. I want to give up sometimes because I get so tired too tired to go on fighting the fight. Anxiety and depression feel like a very steep hill. Some days I make the climb and other days I slide back down. Will I get up, will I go to yoga, can I face my students, can I make that dinner with friends? The voice in my head saying you must be strong; you can get through this.
That word strong has an old context from my childhood. Used in this way oppresses my ability to be okay with this disorder I have.
I am the oldest of three daughters and was expected too always be STRONG!! I put this in capital letters because it angers me.
It angers me because that is the unattainable self that I lived by (and still do sometimes) for many years. This idea that anytime I was hurt, sad, in fear or felt anything but happiness was a sign of weakness.
“Don’t cry, don’t show emotion and get back up, dust yourself off” echo though my head. I feel shame and guilt when I am not able to fulfill the image that has been created about who I am supposed to be.
I want to shout at the top of my lungs I am okay! I am good enough even though I have anxiety! Not having support only perpetuates the feelings of oppression and stigmatization.
Anxiety does not make the person I am it is a small part of what makes me who I am. Why do we as a society view anxiety as a flaw? Why does it scare us to discuss it? Why are we not allowed to celebrate the milestones of progress in our journeys for peace?
We must break the idea that anxiety is too scary to discuss.
I encourage you to share your experience so we can come together and support each other. Over time we will establish a social media group where we can join in shared experiences of hope and healing. There is no shame, I am writing this blog because I want to let you know you are not alone.